HOW TO SING THE BLUES

Memphis Earlene Gray with help from Uncle Plunky

Many thanks to Alex Mogieleff and Stephan Grossman's Woodshed Forum for this classic

• Most blues begin "woke up this morning."
• "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line:
  • I got a good woman-- "with the meanest dog in town".
• Blues are simple.  After you have the first line right, repeat it.  Then find something that rhymes.  Sort of:
  • Got a good woman with the meanest dog in town.   He got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and he weighs about 500 pounds.
• The blues are not about limitless choice.
• Blues cars are Chevies and Cadillacs.  Other acceptable blues transportation is Greyhound bus or a southbound train.  Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle.  So does fixin' to die.
• Teenagers can't sing the blues.  Adults sing the blues.  Blues adulthood means old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
• You can have the blues in New York City, but not in Brooklyn or Queens.  Hard times in Vermont or North Dakota are just a depression.  Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City are still the best places to have the blues. 
• The following colors do not belong in the blues:
  • violet
  • beige
  • mauvre
• You can't have the blues in an office or a shopping mall, the lighting is wrong.
• Good places for the Blues:
  • the highway
  • the jailhouse
  • the empty bed

    Bad places:

  • Ashrams
  • Gallery openings
  • weekend in the Hamptons
• No one will believe it's the blues if you wear a suit, unless you happen to be an old black man.
• Do you have the right to sing the blues?

  Yes, if:

  • your first name is a southern state--like Georgia
  • you're blind
  • you shot a man in Memphis.
  • you can't be satisfied.

  No, if:

  • you were once blind but now can see.
  • you're deaf
  • you have a trust fund.
• Neither Julio Iglesias nor Barbra Streisand can sing the blues.
• If you ask for water and baby gives you gasoline, it's the blues.  

  Other blues beverages are:

  • wine
  • Irish whiskey
  • muddy water

  Blues beverages are NOT:

  • Any mixed drink
  • Any wine kosher for Passover
  • Yoo Hoo (all flavors)
• If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's blues death.  Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is a blues way to die.  So is the electric chair, substance abuse, or being denied treatment in an emergency room.  It is not a blues death, if you die during a liposuction treatment.
• Some Blues names for Women
  • Sadie
  • Big Mama
  • Bessie
• Some Blues Names for Men
  • Joe
  • Willie
  • Little Willie
  • Lightning
• Persons with names like Sierra or Sequoia will not be permitted to sing the blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
  • Other Blues Names (Starter Kit)
    • Name of Physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Asthmatic)
    • First name (see above) or name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi)
    • Last Name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
    • Mix and Match