Many thanks to Alex Mogieleff and Stephan
Forum for this classic
Most blues begin "woke up this
"I got a good woman" is a bad way to
begin the blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line:
I got a good woman-- "with the meanest
dog in town".
Blues are simple. After you have the
first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes.
Got a good woman with the meanest dog in
town. He got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and he weighs
about 500 pounds.
The blues are not about limitless choice.
Blues cars are Chevies and Cadillacs.
Other acceptable blues transportation is Greyhound bus or a southbound
train. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So
does fixin' to die.
Teenagers can't sing the blues. Adults
sing the blues. Blues adulthood means old enough to get the electric
chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
You can have the blues in New York City, but
not in Brooklyn or Queens. Hard times in Vermont or North Dakota are
just a depression. Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City are still the
best places to have the blues.
The following colors do not belong in the
You can't have the blues in an office or a
shopping mall, the lighting is wrong.
Good places for the Blues:
the empty bed
weekend in the Hamptons
No one will believe it's the blues if you wear
a suit, unless you happen to be an old black man.
Do you have the right to sing the blues?
your first name is a southern state--like
you shot a man in Memphis.
you can't be satisfied.
you were once blind but now can see.
you have a trust fund.
Neither Julio Iglesias nor Barbra Streisand can
sing the blues.
If you ask for water and baby gives you
gasoline, it's the blues.
Other blues beverages are:
Blues beverages are NOT:
Any mixed drink
Any wine kosher for Passover
Yoo Hoo (all flavors)
If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun
shack, it's blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is a
blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, or being
denied treatment in an emergency room. It is not a blues death, if you
die during a liposuction treatment.
Some Blues names for Women
Some Blues Names for Men
Persons with names like Sierra or Sequoia will
not be permitted to sing the blues no matter how many men they shoot in
Other Blues Names (Starter Kit)
Name of Physical infirmity (Blind,
First name (see above) or name of fruit
(Lemon, Lime, Kiwi)
Last Name of President (Jefferson,
Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)